We expect that our parents
will die before us. We don't believe it will happen today. The death
of parent(s) when we are grown is a fairly universal experience,
fit t i n g well into the social order of the old dying and the
young being born. But, we believe our parents will die far into
the future, when they are really old. And even when we are ready
for a parent to die, we are seldom prepared for the grief and mourning
to follow.
Most adults picture their parents in their middle to early senior
years, often selectively denying the infirmities that old age drapes
over people. The death of our parent is a surprising reminder that
we, too are growing older and facing our own mortality. We honestly
thought that Mom or Dad would just go on being here forever. Facing
their death means facing our own, which may be impossible to do
right now.
Finding ourselves encountering many of the wide range and intensity
of emotions we expect children and young adults to experience can
be embarrassing and confounding. After all, we believe we are old
enough to know better, to have a better handle on life and its problems,
to know how to do this grieving and mourning stint. The truth is
that we respond to the death of a parent just as we are the child
of that parent.
From thirty to eighty, the most common responses seen in adults
grieving the death of his or her parent are very similar. Commonly
expressed reactions include: anger, guilt, vulnerability, feeling
released from burden, feeling like an orphan, feeling closer to
death, and being frustrated about needing to say or do something
more.
Special factors influence our reactions to the death of a parent.
If the parent died suddenly and unexpectedly, extra time will be
required to move through the shock, to handle feeling cheated that
you did not have enough time to do the things you planned with or
for your parent and to integrate the realization that your parent
will not be participating in the milestones of your life. Social
stigmas like murder and suicide also lengthen the time for healing.
Roles may shift with you now providing the strong shoulder for
your surviving parent. We have become the source of support, guidance
and nurturance instead of the recipient. This draws so much energy
that we may not allow ourselves to feel too much of our own pain.
Decision making with and for the remaining parent poses uncertainty
and possible conflict. Being responsible for the frail or elderly
parent is burdensome even when pleasant. Negotiating between siblings
and the aging parent takes creativity and sacrifice. Disease constraints
and the idiosyncrasies of old age make both humorous and horrifying
stories.
When we experience the death of our other parent, we may feel
awkward or orphaned, alone yet less burdened. Some aspects of our
grief from previous losses may resurface. These are normal responses
to sad situations.
To learn more about normal and complicated grief when a parent
dies, call Pat Andrus, M.S. at 234-2311.
