Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
If we were to listen to what
people say about anger, we should believe that this is the emotion
that was created as a test for us mortals during our lives on earth.
For anger is the emotion we are always asked to repress, ignore,
or demonstrate our strength in resolving. Anger is the emotion that
people tell us to hold back on. Anger is the emotion that must quickly
be thwarted, for it is unattractive as it grows and fosters if we
provide it a place to thrive.
Sometimes anger shows up on the doorstep of our minds, unannounced,
catching us unprepared, and takes up residence without a formal
invitation. And, what is our natural response after years of assimilating
ourselves to a life absent of anger? We are angry that we are angry.
And what if this anger invades us at a time when we are "supposed"
to be sad, grieving, and mournful? What then? Is it a selfish act
to be angry when a person has died? Selfish to feel abandoned? Selfish
to feel the pressure of taking care of new responsibilities? Selfish
to not want to be alone, to not want this person to be out of your
life?
No, anger is not an emotion that people allow us to wallow in.
It is perceived as a sign of weakness, and goodness knows, todayās
society leaves little room for the weak.
But as we mentioned, one of the most difficult and common times
for a person to feel this anger is following the death of a loved
one. Abandonment, whether by circumstances within or beyond our
control is an instigator of anger, that emotion we are not supposed
to feel.
The death of a loved one generates a flood of emotions - sadness,
guilt, relief, hurt, despair, and anger. Anger? Yes, anger. Anger
is a natural emotion when we are separated from someone we love,
but for some reason when anger is a reaction to the death of a loved
one we are told that is not the one we should be feeling at this
time. "It is sadness or remorse you should feel," "they" say. We
are then further confused over our anger at being told this and
attempt understanding why we feel something "you arenāt supposed
to feel."
But feelings of resentment or anger are natural. "I donāt want
to be alone." "How could you leave me like this?" "Why did this
have to happen to me?" are the most natural responses in the world
when someone we love leaves us. Inevitably there are strings left
untied, feelings left unresolved. Who wouldnāt feel anger at not
being allowed to attend to this part of our lives?
So for the sake of all who have known this emotionās grasp, for
all who will one day experience its hold, let us, together, absolve
ourselves of the wrongness of feeling anger when we lose something
we love.
To make this emotion a legitimate and legal part of our lives
we must first admit that we have all been struck at one time or
another by the strength of this powerful emotionās blow. Now, with
the memory of how this emotion affected us, letās then turn to others
who may be experiencing anger, and say, "Itās all right that youāre
angry. Itās hard work reconciling yourself to the death of a loved
one, and I can see how it might make you angry." By validating other
peopleās anger we are also approving our own.
Now, all thatās left to do is turn this anger into a positive
action. In order to accomplish this task, we must sort through the
emotional baggage we are left to contend with following our loved
oneās death. None of these bags is harmful (be its contents guilt,
relief, sadness, or anger) unless it is left unexplored, unopened.
So like the other bags of emotions, we must look into that of anger
and ask some questions, "Why was it left here?" Itās probably here
because we are now faced with so many more responsibilities than
before, because now we must change a comfortable routine, fill hours
and days that have not been empty for a long time, because we donāt
like the feeling of losing control of a part of our lives, or simply
because we donāt want to be alone.
Now, letās address these reasons. Is it wrong to feel any of them?
No. Is it uncommon to feel any of them? No. Is it impossible to
deal with any one of them? No. In that case, it must not be "wrong"
to feel angry, but it is important to deal with its cause, and make
an effort to fill the cracks left in our lives and figure out how
to be happy again.
So our mission is complete. We have found the enemy and it is
not us. It is also not the fault of the person who has died, or
anyone else. Rather, anger is a natural, common reaction to the
loss of a loved one. Anger is anger, an emotion like any other.
It is not evil. It is not more powerful than us. And most importantly,
it is not wrong to experience it. There. Our piece has been said,
and we hope it brings peace to your lives.
