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Taking Care of Myself

Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice


When life was normal and even-keeled, taking care of myself was difficult. That was Before. Grief made it even harder to know how to accomplish the awesome task of helping myself heal. Looking back over the past decades, there are some pieces of information and wisdom I wish I had known when I was grieving so intensely. Perhaps you will identify with some of these. Others may seem unrelated to you. Thereās room to add more, if you will let me know them.

• Life is about gains and losses, births and deaths of all kinds.
• Each loss is different.
• Grieving takes time and space.
• Having someone you care about die hurts deeply. Each of us show our pain and feelings differently. Pretending it does not hurt does not remove the pain.
• It hurts to grow. Sometimes I only feel my pain and cannot measure my growth.
• I must give myself permission to feel, permission to grieve fully.
• Humans heal imperfectly at times. But there is beauty even in imperfections.
• It is okay to be relieved the death happened, not to be taking care of the terminally ill person, not to see their suffering and feel helpless to change it. Itās okay to take comfort that death was swift.
• The uniqueness of grieving and healing means I will grieve in my own ways in my own time frame. I am not to be judged by how others grieve and heal.
• Even if it is never answered, I must repeatedly ask the question "Why?". Only by asking it do I come to terms with it.
• "If only..." and "but..." are also part of the process.
• I need to work out my thoughts as well as my feelings.
• Neither my thoughts nor feelings are to be judged. Only my behaviors can be right or wrong.
• I cannot offer to others what isnāt inside me to give away... I must first work on healing myself in order to be strong enough to give of myself.
• My family and friends are my BEST and WORST support system. Itās alright to seek help outside my circle of family and friends. Seeking professional help doesnāt mean I am weak, inadequate or crazy.
• I cannot expect others to change. I can only change myself and how I view others.
• Being strong means feeling weak at times.
• Self-esteem, decision-making ability and self-trust decrease in grief.
• Decreased abilities to concentrate, do math, read and retain information, or remember things is part of the process.
• More often than not, we arenāt crazy but the situation we are in may seem crazy.
• I was ready to be "normal" again long before my griefwork was done.
• Men and women, adults and children do grieve differently. Learning how takes effort and interest.
• Grief is a selfish process. We are caught up in our own pain and realizations, often unable to help others. Learning to be self-full, caring about others while caring for myself, is the hard part.
• Tears are not the only way to show caring or sadness. Not crying doesnāt mean I donāt remember.
• Laughter helped me heal. It was good to feel whole again, even for a moment. It was not a sign of disrespect to laugh.
• My grief brought me to God in new ways, even in my anger. How could I be angry with God if I didnāt share some kind of relationship with God?
• Grief taught me the differences in faith and religion.
• Grief ebbs and flows, thunders in like crashing waves and rolls out once more. Relishing the emotionally quieter moments brought new understanding and gratitude as well as a new kind of strength.
• Being well didnāt mean forgetting. Nor did it mean becoming immune to new griefs or to feeling old grief in new ways.
• Guilt and loneliness are sandpits where I needed a helping hand.
• Small pleasures helped me get through many tough hours and days.
• Finding answers to difficult questions like, "How many are in your family?", takes time and thought.
• Grief is not just moving forward. Backslides, while painful, offer lessons.
• Happiness and fullness of life can and do come again. I hope I recognize them faster!
• "This too shall pass" took on new meanings.
• I cannot prevent, cure or skip periods of grief in life. The only way out is to move through them.
• My grief experience is very different from that of others in my family. Neither is right or wrong, simply different.
• It may be difficult to return to a funeral home, scene of the death and other special places. That pain comes because I cared about someone.
• Visiting cemeteries helps some bereaved persons and upsets others.
• Attending a funeral or memorial service helps us begin to accept the reality of death. Personalizing these increases their value in our healing process.
• Grief shared is grief diminished - talking, finding out I wasnāt alone or "different" helped.
• No one knows how I feel, especially those who say, "I know just how you feel!".
• People may avoid a bereaved person. Usually they simply donāt know how to help, what to say, or how to act. Their fear and powerlessness leaves us feeling abandoned, ostracized or perhaps angry.
• Physical reactions to grief (lack of appetite, sleeplessness, headaches, stomach aches, etc.) affect our coping ability, energy and recovery.
• We donāt "get over" grief. We do "get through" it.
• Grief is not a clean, neat process. It is full of contradictions, misgivings, confusing twists and turns.
• Depression is a scary part of grief. Talking about it can help prevent it getting worse.
• Depression associated with grief and clinical depression are not the same. Both respond to treatment.
• Continuing to live means treasuring the spirit of my loved ones within while moving out into life. Living well keeps their memories alive.
• Grief speaks the language of the heart, not just of the head.
• Not every person who dies was a "loved" one... some of them brought more pain and confusion than joy to life. Being able to forgive them means allowing me to be self-forgiving.
• Each person who travels through my life leaves footprints. Some tread upon my heart; some sit upon my lap. Others leave an imprint upon my soul. All become who I am.
• Life goes one, leaving me either wiser and bolder or bitter and depressed. My attitudes and choices along the path affect the outcome.
• Fear and anger are powerful motivators. Ignoring them or letting them rule my life becomes dangerous. Learning to channel them into positive forces changed my perspective.
• Itās okay to take a break from the intensity and exposure of grief. Sometimes itās a relief not to work on ourselves, to be someplace where no one knows what is happening in your life.
• Life enrolled me in "grief school". I didnāt know I had so much to learn until I was able to look back.

HELPING YOURSELF THROUGH GRIEF

• Allow yourself plenty of time to heal. It takes much longer than we want to realize... Months, not days, and yes, years in many instances.
• Acknowledge your losses. They are important.
• Cry if you need to cry. Sometimes arranging a special time and place eases our embarrassment about crying in public. Not all of us cry alike... some tears come as sobs, some as sighs, some are silent.
• Set small goals. Over and over again, set small goals. Baby steps become achievements and accomplishments.
• Exercise helps us sleep better.
• Find your sense of humor. Hang on tight!
• Keeping a diary or journal gives us a place to jot down thoughts and memories. Sometimes it may only be a reminder to do a task. Sometimes itās what I am afraid to voice aloud quite yet.
• Eating nutritiously is helpful, even though we donāt have time or energy to cook. Just try to increase fruits and vegetables, pastas, rice, breads and other carbohydrates. Lower fats, gravies, sauces and desserts.
• Decrease alcohol and drug consumption. Drugs and alcohol mask the pain for a while, but cannot remove the pain from us.
• Accept and give out hugs.
• Have a physical checkup with a trusted physician. Review prescribed medications with a physician familiar with the grief process. Not all doctors truly understand the process or how to treat grief effectively.
• Water is necessary for our stressed bodies. Substitute water and/or fruit juice for caffeinated drinks. Decreasing the use of carbonated beverages eases digestion.
• Postpone major decisions such as selling your home, changing jobs, divorcing your spouse. Get some qualified guidance on major decision making.
• Consider participating in a support group. Family and friends may not understand the need to retell our story over and over.
• Tell others that you want from them: help, emotional support, time shared, etc.
• Seek spiritual guidance. Having a crisis in faith is not unusual in grief.
• Check out advice. Accepting the imperfections of others means realizing I have imperfections too. We all give and get bad advice at times.
• Expand your vocabulary of feeling words. Reach past the usual ones: bad, sad, glad and mad.
• Use music, art, philosophy, religion, gardening, games, nature walks, reading, writing, and volunteer work to gain comfort, relief and understanding.
• Seek professional counseling to work on specific issues, questions, bothersome ideas, or just to sort things out. Thereās strength in knowledge.
• Realize suicidal thoughts are an intense reaction to the pain of bereavement. Reach out for help immediately.
• Make plans for the tough times like weekends, holidays, evenings, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.
• Planning a ritual can help us release emotion around specific loss and gain a sense of closure. Rituals may be simple or elaborate, individual or group oriented, personal or public.
• Recognize your impatience for what it is... a desire to be better. Just as it takes time for bread to bake, we must allow ourselves to rise, be punched down and rise again. Otherwise the product is hard and tasteless, never having developed fully.