Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
Grief is so painfully overwhelming
at times, Many people are concerned about their responses to the
loss of someone or something. "Am I grieving the right way?", they
ask. We question our behaviors and emotions repeatedly. We wonder
if our feelings are normal or whether we might be going crazy.
It may help to know that we may do some "crazy" things in response
to a "crazy" situation, and still be "normal". In her distress and
confusion, one recently widowed woman turned back the covers at
bedtime to find a pound of bacon between the pillows. She was, needless
to say, amazed to see it there.
She knew she had purchased it at the grocery, toted it from the
car to the kitchen, and even remembered taking it into the bedroom
area while storing the bathroom items. What she couldn't remember
was actually tucking it between the sheets as she took a moment
to make her bed before returning to the kitchen to store the remaining
groceries.
Mostly she felt relieved to have finally found the bacon as she
had been searching her home and memory all afternoon. But she was
also scared that she was truly losing control and needed help to
sort out what was "crazy" in her situation.
Grief is a complex set of emotions following a loss in life. A
variety of behaviors can be observed in bereaved persons. Sometimes
these behaviors may seem odd or extraordinary to the bereaved and
to those around them. We may experience a sense of "going crazy"
or some of the following.
*Empty feeling in stomach
*Heart palpitations
*Changes in sleep patterns
*Crying unexpectedly
*Unfulfilled longing for the deceased
*Sensing the presence of the deceased
*Searching for the deceased or waiting for his/her return
*Lack of energy, deep fatigue
*Talking with deceased
*Dreaming of deceased
*Treasuring belongings of deceased
*Changes in appetite
*Gastrointestinal disturbances, including nausea, diarrhea, etc.
*Mood changes over the slightest things
*Feel guilty at times
*Need to tell and retell their story, remember details
*Being absent minded, forgetful
*Fear, anxiety, yearning, sadness
*Feel left behind, alone, lonely
*Muscle tension
*Chest pain, pressure, discomfort
*Vulnerability, insecurity
*Feeling out of control, victimized, overwhelmed
*Lessened self-concern, self-interest
*Restlessness or over activity
*Assume mannerisms, behaviors or traits of deceased
*Avoiding reminders of deceased
*Avoid social events and friends
*Sleep with or carry around objects of the deceased
*Crying spells
*Tightness in chest or throat
*Frequent travel or trips
*Increased or decreased sexual desires
*Seem uninvolved in life
*Hiding grief for fear of driving others away
*Not wanting to leave home or avoiding going home
*Anger at the deceased, God, and others
*Unable to follow usual routine
*Disbelieving, numb, confused
*Resurrection of old issues, beliefs, unresolved conflicts, incompletely
mourned losses, or other sensitive topics
*Preoccupied with life of deceased
*Inability to concentrate
*Feeling or acting helpless and/or hopeless
These are all natural and normal grief responses. Most persons
experience one or more or them after suffering a significant loss
in their life. Experiencing them does not automatically mean we
are "crazy" or have "lost it". And, believe it or not, the above
group does not nearly complete the list of possible responses.
However, depending upon your loss, your personality and life history,
factors surrounding your present situation, and the combinations
of responses you are experiencing in your grief, it might be wise
to schedule a "wellness check-up". Finding our we are on a path
"normal" for us can be reassuring as well as reaffirming. Even those
of us who think we have no one with which to share our personal
feelings, or who fear opening the can of emotions inside us, or
think we cannot be helped may be surprised by what is learned in
such a check-up.
Some of the above responses to grief are psychological. Others
are behavioral, social, or physical responses. Several may seem
to fit into more than one category. That may be because any grief
response may be elicited by one or a combination of the mourner's
feelings regarding the loss.
As humans, we often fear losing control of situations in our life,
and for some of us, losing control of life itself. Any of us who
have lived with a mental illness, whether our own or another persons',
perhaps been physically impaired, or ever been victimized, might
find it especially easy to fear losing control of our mind, body
and life forces.
When we have put a great deal of our energy into building our
sense of security and control, the very idea of "losing it" can
send us into spasms of fear. Understanding that anyone seldom, if
ever, truly was or will be in control of life is a concept of maturation
which teases us throughout life. The bookshelves are literally full
of opinions and beliefs regarding this subject.
It is easy to think we are doing something incorrectly in our
grief. Having a conversation with a knowledgeable person, such as
a grief counselor, can help you decide if you are progressing through
the grieving process. Reading articles and educational materials
or using video or audio materials on grieving and bereavement processes
may validate our own experiences as being unique to you yet universal
to the process.
Like other topics, various authors will offer differing opinions,
suggestions, and concepts. Be sure to select materials you feel
drawn to read or watch. Be kind to yourself in doing this learning.
Realize that you may find it difficult to focus on what is before
you. If something is too difficult, change materials, ask someone
to help interpret what is being said, or come back to that part
later. Not everything will key in to your personal experience. Not
everything will make sense to you now. And, your views and responses
to the material may shift as time passes.
Saying goodbye is never easy. Most good-byes take time and thought.
Meanwhile, take comfort where you can.
Avoid being self-destructive in any way. Take action steps, including
resting and nourishing your body and soul. Reassure yourself over
and over again that grief is not a single act but a process. And
as with other processes, it takes time for the whole to unfurl and
become recognizable to the parts.
