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New Life, New Ways 
[Article
Index]
Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
As of March, 1996 there were
more than 13 and a half million widowed persons in the United States.
You may be one of them.
You might find yourself in the early steps with the funeral recently
past and lots of details like thank you notes, death certificates,
and insurance claims yet to be completed. You may still be surrounded
by well-meaning family and friends, floral and food gifts, and notes
of sympathy and understanding.
Or, perhaps your circle of supportive people has dwindled as people
turn to their own needs and the demands of daily life. Even though
the to-do list is still long, you may be finding yourself overwhelmed
by even small tasks, paralyzed and confused by what faces you.
You already know you must go through the emotional, relationship,
lifestyle, and self-concept changes. And, even though others are
nearby offering helpful suggestions, many of these transitions must
be done by you, in you and for you.
Many want to think successful adaptations happen from the outside
to the inside of us. In truth, you already know the dark hours are
times to take stock of the future, talk to your spouse, converse
with God, feel your pain, and drift through minutes and hours. For,
while others can encourage you, only you can take your steps into
the future.
Grief work has begun. As you take mental and verbal account of the
future and the present, you are beginning to live without your spouse
physically alongside. You are already starting to reconstruct the
future from how you and your spouse had it planned to that which
will be yours. Past roles and relationships are modified now and
new roles and relationships begin to form. Your self-esteem or general
confidence in your own abilities may be weakened. You may see yourself
as inadequate or unacceptable in some way.
Internal problems like incredible loneliness and the feeling of
being unable to motivate yourself are countered by external problems
like misunderstandings and miscommunications with children or friends.
In all of this, hope is present, even when you least recognize or
believe it. Widowed persons, especially women who are the ones most
often still living, use a variety of ways to deal with these problems,
more or less successfully at first but often with increasing ability.
You are learning to lean on yourself, and that takes time. You probably
have had experience taking care of others in some ways. Use these
abilities to take better care of yourself.
Resiliency is a word seldom used, and one which describes many widowed
persons well. Some widowed persons learn to actually enjoy being
alone a lot of the time, responding to their own needs instead of
being constantly alert to the needs of someone else. They enjoy
their newfound sense of freedom, especially when their finances
and health are good. Even those widowed persons who find themselves
socially isolated and alone may not express great unhappiness. Socializing,
whether sharing a short conversation or traveling for some time,
is a part of finding footholds for yourself. You learn new ways
you are competent and new ways of identifying yourself.
Great changes have happened in your life. After some time, when
the memories of the past are tied into the present, a future emerges.
People adjust to an on-going variety of life changes with amazing
ability. You have adjusted to a great variety of life circumstances
through your years. Other times you were frightened and unsure,
and yet, you found new meanings came into your life. Shaping your
new life takes effort and time. You have walked in grief and you
deserve to be happy again.
Your pain will lessen, and Life, as it becomes, takes on a richness
you did not expect to find. Through your pain, you have grown.
Reference: Lopata, Helena Z. (1996). Current widowhood; myths
& realities. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.
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