Living This Loss 
[Article
Index]
Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
What happens
when the funeral has ended, the friends and family returned to their
homes and we begin to live the loss? This part no one can do for us.
Only we can experience the textures and levels of the process known
as grief.
We understand better the depth of pain others have experienced.
We reflect on how impatient we may have been when others grieved
in the past. We know we are difficult to be near at times, yet we
fear being alone. The loneliness attacks us repeatedly, even when
others are close. Others say they have healed from their past loss
and even that strikes us with anger instead of hope. Screaming "Itās
not fair!" might help express our intense feelings, but it might
also confirm what others seem to suspect. Living this loss has the
power to make us believe weāve lost our sanity and safety.
Slowly, our efforts turn to moving into the light
from the oneness we have been in. We drift through the year of "firsts"
sometimes doing well but realizing we often just act a role. We attend
meetings, return to old hobbies, work and relationships. We talk with
friends, read self-help books and listen to grief presentations. The
second year may not seem so much easier. We measure a bit of progress,
then once again struggle with living the loss.
There comes a time when we assess our options. We acknowledge the
open paths. We can choose to stagnate in the pain and rejection of
grief or we can take the steps to integrate the past into our present
and future life. Our desire to stay in the past wars with our deep
human need to reawaken, to revitalize and to renew.
We can more fully accept the part of our pain which lives inside us
forever when we begin to feel alive once more. Balancing our past
and our future, our pain and our joy, our memories and our nightmares
becomes the new focus.
The painful experiences of grief and mourning actually offer the foundation
for healing and living fully. One of the tightropes of life is letting
go of the past. We may need help learning to treasure the experiences
grief brings us while achieving the balance of new and old.
To come through the pain means we can bring the lesson of living the
past pain into our present life. We accept the growth it brings.
To live the joy of our future, we must first live the loss in our
life.
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