The Mourning After 
[Article
Index]
This article is broadly based on the stages of grief
concepts of Elizabeth Kübler Ross' research of the 1960s and
1970s. It is reprinted with permission of Bereavement Publishing,
Inc., 8133 Telegraph Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80920-7069, (Ph.)
719/282-1948.
Four weeks after her husband
died, a widow observed that it would have been of great comfort
and help for her to have been informed what grief would entail.
She said, "If only someone whom I respected had sat down after Martin
died and said, "Now Lynn, bereavement is a wound. It's like being
very, very badly hurt. You will grieve and that is painful. And
your grief will have many stages, but all of them will be healing.
Little by little, you will be whole again, and you will be a stronger
person. Just as a broken bone knits and becomes stronger than before,
so will you."
When a loved one dies, it can be tremendously helpful
for the mourner to understand the various experiences which grief
will bring. The simple knowledge that others have gone through a similar
emotional upheaval can generate, for the bereaved, a great sense of
hope. In turn, that hope will empower them to re-enter and re-invest
themselves in the mainstream of life.
While the emotional responses to loss are varied, what follows
are six of the most common feelings present during grief. It is
important to know that the depth and duration of each experience
is different for everyone. Some will wrestle with a particular daily,
while others will experience it intermittently or briefly.
SHOCK AND DISBELIEF
The numbness and sense of unreality when first hearing about
the death of a loved one is both a gift and an adaptive response
which prepares one to deal with the loss. Robert DiGiulio, whose
wife, daughter, and in-laws were killed in an automobile accident
in Vermont, described his feelings upon hearing the devastating
news: "So much of the next few hours remained a blur, even now.
Through that blur, I remember only the horrible words of the state
trooper telling me of a terrible accident..."
Shock is nature's way of cushioning the blow and giving the bereaved
time to absorb the full impact of the loss.
ANGER AND RAGE
It is almost impossible to lose a loved one and not feel angry
about the death and consequences. Since anger needs a target, it
is frequently directed at the doctor, nurse, funeral director, clergy
person, family member, friend or God.
In September, 1977, Catherine, 33, and her husband were involved
in an automobile accident during a trip through the Adirondacks.
Her husband died as a result of the accident, and shortly thereafter,
she learned of her pregnancy with twins.
Four months later, in January, Catherine developed severe abdominal
pains. Twin sons were born prematurely and died four hours later.
Treatment for a nearly fatal postpartum hemorrhage left her infertile.
Catherine wrote this about her anger and rage with God:
"On Mother's Day, I awoke alone in a silent house, angrier than
I'd ever felt before. `It's Mother's Day,' I stormed at God, `and
you've killed my husband and children and injured me beyond hope
of ever having a family again. What do you want from me that you
haven't already taken away?"
Since anger is not a choice, it is important for the bereaved to
recognize and acknowledge the fact that they are angry. When this
is honestly done, they will usually find healthy ways to express
the anger, such as screaming in a private place, vigorous exercise
or meditation. One man, whose wife died, would channel his anger
into furniture refinishing whenever he felt a tempest brewing within.
DEPRESSION AND SADNESS
Actress Elizabeth Taylor, speaking about the death of her husband,
Michael Todd, and her subsequent depression, states: "I didn't think
I would survive, and I didn't much care. To this day, my feelings
about him are so strong that I cannot speak about him without being
overcome with emotion."
Another woman, who experienced a fetal death in her seventh month
of pregnancy stated: "Three months after Jessica died, I realized
that I was quite depressed. Life had gone on. I was back at work,
although my plan had been to quit before Jessica would have been
born. My friends who were pregnant before Jessica died were having
their babies without mishap. Everything was the same, except that
my baby was dead. I missed her. I was lonely for her, but the rest
of the world had forgotten all about her and certainly did not want
to hear me talk about it anymore. I had a sense of failure."
For the majority of people in grief, feelings of emptiness and
sadness generate feelings of depression. Some of the most difficult
times are weekends, holidays, anniversary occasions or family celebrations
such as weddings, graduations and baptisms. Often it is difficult
to sleep, and then just as difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
To some extent, asking for help from those you love and trust and
being kind to yourself, plus exercise and close attention to a good
diet will help to alleviate depression.
GUILT AND REGRET
Writing to an advice columnist, a widow sadly indicated that
her husband's death left her with a legacy of guilt. She described
her feelings:
"My husband died after a long illness. Several times, I lost my
temper and said some cruel things to him, but when I realized he
couldn't get well, I took loving care of him until God called him
home. Now I regret all the wrong things I did in my life and I need
to know if God forgives our sins. I am 75 and do not belong to any
church. I only want to die, but not with a guilty conscience. I
can't stop crying."
Like many who have had a death, this woman is tortured by regrets.
While feelings of guilt are quite normal, they are usually not very
realistic. The advice columnist responded very well when she wrote:
"Dry your tears; God forgave you the moment you felt genuine remorse.
Caring for a sick person can be a very demanding and debilitating
job, and many fine people have lost their tempers and said things
they ordinarily would never have said. Live the rest of your life
not with regret, but with gratitude for having had the chance to
care for your husband lovingly in his final hours."
ANXIETY AND FRUSTRATION
Sometimes anxiety and frustration are connected to the fear
of being alone or without a loved one. There may be concern about
the future and fear about losing someone else to death. A father,
whose son died suddenly and unexpectedly, said: "I was actually
frightened by the idea of living forty or fifty years after my young
son had died."
Others in mourning experience anxiety and frustration because they
feel they are not making progress out of grief recovery quickly
enough, a remider that cannot be rushed is usually enough to tone
down such feelings. Here is an insight from a mother who lost a
daughter:
"There is no timetable for grief. No one need feel ashamed if getting
over a traumatic loss is a long, complex business·I deplore the
pressure outsiders sometimes put on families to return to 'normal'
after a child dies. There's nothing wrong with a family that remembers,
cares and cries, even years after a loss."
RELIEF AND RELEASE
The day will come when grief softens and even dissipates. Usually
the recovery is so gradual that the bereaved is not even aware that
healing is, in fact, taking place.
One woman, widowed after more that three decades of marriage, wrote
this about her grief relief: "Recovery is not usually so dramatic.
Most turning points are small and tentative. You get your first
good night's sleep. You bake something, put up a shelf"
While it is nearly impossible for the bereaved to believe that
their grief will subside, the fact is that many mourners before
them have the wonderful experience of feeling that they could live
once again. Where once they thought there would never be anything
in life which they could affirm, now they are able to find reasons
to laugh and love again.
Harriet Sarnoff Schiff, author of The Bereaved
Parent, had a son who died. While the scars of that loss will
always be a permanent part of her, she offers these words of hope
to those who have lost a love one:
"You thought never again could you take an interest in the world
and retain friendships and attend weddings and happy occasions for
other people's children. You were certain you could never live through
the trauma. But you will."
There was no doubt in your mind that you never again
could enjoy yourself. Never want to travel. Never give parties÷or
attend them. Never have fun. You would only be sorrowful and certainly
you would never laugh. But you will.
"And most of all, you were sure it would be impossible for you
to function as a whole human being not buffeted by the waves of
sorrow that swept over you in the early days of your tragedy. But
you will.
"You will do all that, and you will do more," she
affirms.
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