by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Director, Center for Loss and Life Transition.
Fort Collins, CO.
(Ph) 970-226-6050.
wolfelt@centerforloss.com
Many people have a real desire
to learn more about the experience of death and grief. Without a
doubt we have witnessed an upsurge in interest in bereavement care-giving.
However, many well-intentioned, yet misinformed people are still
victims of some widely held myths regarding grief.
The purpose of this article is to identify, describe, and dispel
five common myths about grief. Providing quality care to the bereaved
requires that we as a society work to dispel these myths outlined
below. People who have internalized these myths become incapable
of helping griever's move towards healing.
These myths are not intended to be all-inclusive or mutually exclusive.
Observation suggests that many people who believe in any one of
these will also believe in many, if not all, of the others. Our
joint task in not to condemn these people, but supportively encourage
them to broaden their understanding of the complex experiences of
grief and mourning.
Describing and Dispelling The Myths
Myth #1: Grief and mourning are the same experience.
The majority of people tend to use the words grief and mourning
synonymously. However, there is an important distinction between
them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just
grieving, but through mourning.
If we want to help the bereaved we can work to understand the
semantic distinctions of these commonly used terms. Simply stated,
grief is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself
upon the death of someone loved. In other words, grief is the internal
meaning given to the experience of bereavement.
Mourning is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing
it outside of oneself. The specific ways in which people express
mourning are influenced by customs of their culture. Another way
of defining mourning is to state that it is "grief gone public"
or "sharing one's grief one's grief outside of oneself."
In reality, many people in our culture grieve, but they do not
mourn. As opposed to being encouraged to express their grief outwardly
they are often greeted with messages along the lines of "carry on,"
"keep your chin up," and "keep busy." So, they end up grieving within
themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves
in the presence of loving companions.
Now that these terms have been defined in a more formal sense,
let's take a moment to acknowledge that grief and mourning are much
more personal experiences that their words describe. Actually, this
author finds words inadequate to convey what grief and mourning
are all about.
Grief and mourning are much more than words. Experiencing the
thoughts and feelings of grief is often movement through an unknown
territory that is embraced by an overwhelming sense of pain and
loss. Only through encouraging ourselves will we become a catalyst
for healing.
Don't just grieve, mourn, too, and be proud of your capacity to
do so!
Myth #2: There is a predictable and orderly stage-like progression
to the experience of mourning.
Stage-like thinking about both dying and mourning has been appealing
to many people. Somehow the "stages of grief" have helped people
try to make sense out of an experience that isn't as orderly and
predictable as we would like it to be. Attempts have been made to
replace fear and lack of understanding with the security that everyone
grieves by going through the same stages. If only it were so simple!
The concept of "stages" was popularized in 1969 with the publication
of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' landmark text On Death and Dying. Kubler-Ross
never intended for people to literally interpret her five "stages
of dying." However, many people have done just that and the consequences
have often been disastrous.
One such consequence is when people around the grieving person
adopt a rigid system of beliefs about grief that do not allow for
the natural unfolding of the mourner's personal experience. We have
come to understand that each person's grief is uniquely his or her
own. As helpers we only get ourselves in trouble when we try to
prescribe what someone's grief experience should be.
Just as different people die in different ways, people mourn in
different ways. Expecting anything less would be to demonstrate
a lack of respect for the uniqueness of the person. This author
prefers a helping attitude that conveys the following: "Teach me
about your grief and I will be with you. As you teach me I will
follow the lead you provide me and attempt to be a stabilizing and
empathetic presence."
To think that one's goal as a caregiver is to move people through
the stages of grief would be a misuse of counsel. A variety of unique
thoughts and feelings will be experienced as part of the healing
process. For example, disorganization, fear, guilt, and anger may
or may not occur. Often, regression occurs along the way and invariably
some overlapping. Sometimes emotions follow each other within a
short period of time; at other times, two or more emotions are present
in the grieving person simultaneously.
Do not prescribe how someone should grieve, but allow them to
teach you where they are in the process.
Myth #3: It is best to move away from grief instead of toward
it.
The unfortunate reality is that many grievers do not give themselves
permission or receive permission from others to mourn, to express
their many thoughts and feelings. We continue to live in a society
that often encourages people to prematurely move away from their
grief instead of toward it. The result is that many people either
grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from their grief through
various means.
During ancient times, stoic philosophers encouraged their followers
not to mourn, believing that self-control was the appropriate response
to sorrow. Still today, well intentioned but uninformed people carry
on this long-held tradition. A vital task of the helper is to encourage
and support the movement toward an outward expression of grief.
One of the reasons for many people's preoccupation with the very
question "how long does grief last?" often relates to society's
impatience with grief and the desire to move people away from the
experience of mourning. Shortly after the funeral (if a funeral
is held) the grieving person is expected to "be back to normal."
Persons who continue to express their grief outwardly are often
viewed as "weak," "crazy" or "self-pitying." The common message
is "shape up and get on with your life." The reality is that many
people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced.
The result of these kinds of messages is to encourage the repression
of the griever's thoughts and feelings. Refusing to allow tears,
suffering in silence, and "being strong," are thought to be admirable
behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society's message
that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently.
Returning to the routine of work shortly after the death of someone
loved, the bereaved person relates, "I'm fine," in essence saying,
"I'm not mourning." Friends, family, and co-workers often encourage
this stance and refrain from talking about the death. The bereaved
person having an apparent absence of mourning (having moved away
from their grief instead of toward it) tends to be more socially
accepted by those around him or her.
However, this type of collaborative pretense surrounding grief
does not meet the emotional needs of the bereaved person. Instead,
the survivor is likely to feel further isolated in the experience
of grief, with the eventual onset of the "going crazy syndrome."
Attempting to mask or move away from the grief results in internal
anxiety and confusion. With little, if any, social recognition related
to the pain of the grief, the person often begins to think their
thoughts and feelings are abnormal. As a matter of fact, the most
frequent initial comment of grieving persons at our Center for Loss
and Life Transition in Colorado is the statement, " I think I'm
crazy."
Our society encourages people to prematurely move away from their
grief instead of toward it. If we want to help bereaved people we
must remember that it is through the process of moving toward pain
that we move toward eventual healing.
Myth #4: Following the death of someone significant to you,
the goal is to "get over" your grief.
We have all had the unfortunate experience of hearing people inquire
of the bereaved person, "Are you over it yet?" Or, even worse yet,
we hear people comment, "Well, they should be over it by now." To
think that we as human beings "get over" our grief is ludicrous!
The final dimension of grief in a number of proposed models is
often referred to as resolution, recovery, reestablishment, or reorganization.
This dimension often suggest a total return to "normalcy" and yet
in my personal, as well as professional experience, everyone is
changed by the experience of grief.
For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was
prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Recovery
as understood by some persons, mourners and caregivers alike, is
all too often seen erroneously as an absolute, a perfect state of
reestablishment.
Reconciliation is a term this author believes to be more expressive
of what occurs as the person works to integrate the new reality
of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person
who had died. What occurs is a renewed sense of energy and confidence,
an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and the
capacity to become reinvolved with the activities of living. Also,
an acknowledgment occurs that pain and grief are difficult yet necessary
parts of life and living.
As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, the mourner recognizes
that life will be different without the presence of the significant
person who has died. A realization occurs that reconciliation is
a process, not an event. Beyond an intellectual working through
is an emotional working through. What has been understood at the
"head" level is now understood at the "heart" level÷the person who
was loved is dead.
The pain changes from being ever-present, sharp, and stinging
to an acknowledged feeling of loss that had given rise to renewed
meaning and purpose. The sense of loss does not completely disappear
yet softens and the intense pangs of grief become less frequent.
Hope for a continued life emerges as the griever is able to make
commitments to the future, realizing that the dead person will never
be forgotten, yet knowing that one's own life can and will move
forward.
We never "get over" our grief but instead become reconciled to
it. Those people who think the goal is to "resolve" grief become
destructive to the healing process.
Myth #5: Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.
Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal
inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often
generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family, and caregivers.
Out of a wish to protect the mourner from pain, those people surrounding
the mourner may serve to inhibit the experience of tears. Comments
similar to, "tears won't bring him back" and "he wouldn't want you
to cry" discourage the expression of tears. Yet crying is nature's
way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner
to communicate a need to be comforted.
Another function of crying is postulated in the context of attachment
theory wherein tears are intended to bring about reunion with the
lost person. While the reunion cannot occur, crying is thought to
be biologically based and a normal way of attempting to reconnect
with the person who has died. The frequency and intensity of crying
eventually wanes as the hoped-for reunion does not occur.
While research in this area is still limited, some investigators
have suggested that suppressing tears may increase susceptibility
to stress-related disorders. This would seem to make sense in that
crying is an exocrine process, such as sweating and exhaling, the
fact is that they all involve the removal of waste product from
the body. Crying may serve as similar function.
In this author's clinical experience with thousands of people
in grief, changes in physical expression have been observed following
the expression of tears. While this is purely a subjective observation,
seemingly not only do people feel better after crying, they also
look better. Expressions of tension and agitation seem to flow of
their body. The capacity to express tears appears to allow for a
genuine healing.
The expression of tears are not a sign of weakness. The capacity
of the mourner to share tears is an indication of the willingness
to do the "work of mourning."
FINAL THOUGHTS
Again, be aware that the above myths are not intended to be all-inclusive.
This author suggest the reader develop a list of any additional
"grief myths" observed in our society.
Being surrounded by people who believe in these myths invariably
results in a heightened sense of isolation and aloneness in the
grieving person. The inability to be supported in the "work of mourning"
destroys much of the capacity to enjoy life, living, and loving.
Only when we as a society are able to dispel these myths will
grieving people experience the healing they deserve!
References:
Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan.
Wolfelt, A. (1987). "Understanding Common Patterns of Avoiding Grief".
THANATOS, Vol. 12:2, pp. 2-5.
Wolfelt, A. (1988). "Resolution Versus Reconcilliation: The Importance
of Semantics". THANATOS, Vol. 12:4, pp. 10-13.
Glick, I.O., Weiss, R.S., & Parkes, C.M. (1974). "The First
Year of Bereavement".
