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Siblings Speak 
[Article
Index]
Having a brother or sister
die creates a family crisis. Some of us have extreme reactions while
others react as if we've never heard the news. Many things affect
the way we behave, what we think, and how we feel.
Some of us may know the facts of what caused our sibling's death,
while some of us may be confused by what we overheard. We may believe
we were not included in what happened or feel overlooked by the
adults. We may wonder why this had to happen. We may even think
we are to blame, even when others say we were not. All of us have
thoughts and feelings we are afraid to share.
Other siblings have probably felt much the same way we do at times.
Reading some of the messages other siblings have given their parents
and caregivers may encourage us to talk with adults we trust, to
attend a sibling support group meeting, or write our feelings in
a diary. If we agree with the statements below, putting a check
beside it reminds us we were not the only one to feel or think this
way.
- Children grieve too, in our own way, in our own time. We grieve
differently from adults. Sometimes we appear not to be grieving.
- We do not want to be forgotten while our parents grieve. Parents
often seem to emphasize the child that died instead of those of
us who are living.
- We need to know we are loved as much as our brother or sister
who died. Sometimes we wonder if we would be missed as much.
- We are afraid someone else will die. We want to be reassured
but don't know what questions to ask.
- Our relationship with our dead siblings was different from
the relationship they had with our parents. We will not grieve
the same as our parents will.
- We know our sibling was not perfect. We know that they did
things that were wrong. Please do not make an angel out of them
or place them on a pedestal. They were a real person.
- Just because a sibling is not grieving or speaking openly doesn't
mean that they aren't grieving in private. Often we talk with
our friends or other adults.
- We will grieve when we are ready. Please do not rush us or
tell us we aren't doing it right.
- When we are not willing to talk about our dead brother or sister,
it may be because we are trying to protect our parents. We do
not want to make our parents cry or hurt more.
- We are different people since our sibling died. Our parents
are different people now too. We may think and act in new ways.
Our personalities and values may not be the same as before they
died.
- People may have told us to "Be strong" for our parents. We
may resent this or find this too difficult, so we may feel even
worse.
- We may be overprotective of our parents after our sibling dies.
Often, our parents are overprotective of us. We just want to be
treated as "normal" kids.
- We are not the same person as our sibling who died. Please
do not compare us to them. Comparing children harms our self-
esteem.
- We are concerned when our parents bottle their grief inside
and refuse to talk with us about it. It makes things more frightening.
- Some siblings like visiting the cemetery, some do not. Avoid
forcing us to go if we don't want to go.
- We may not be ready to attend support group meetings. Listen
to our answer when we are asked about going.
- Even though we had fights with them, we did love them and miss
them. There is a big hole in the family now.
- Sometimes we believe we are to blame for their death. Maybe
we could talk about it with an adult we trust. Perhaps someone
can help us sort out what our responsibilities are.
- It is okay for our parents and us to talk about them together.
It's also okay for us to cry.
- We know our family will never be the same again. We wonder
what it will be like in the future.
- Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are especially hard
to bear. Sometimes we act as though these days are not special.
Sometimes we pretend our family is the same way as before our
sibling's death.
- This just doesn't seem fair. We do not understand why this
happened to our family.
- Life seems more precious to many of us now. We want everyone
to get along with each other.
- We may turn to drugs, alcohol, and/or delinquent behavior to
cover our pain and confusion. Please do not give up on us. We
are hurting.
- Other problems may have developed in our lives. Our parents
may be unaware. We may be attempting to handle our problems alone
until we are forced to confess. Please recognize our efforts to
take care of ourselves.
- We may try to act more like our deceased sibling. There are
lots of reasons we do this. Please help me to see I can be myself,
that I am important too.
Most youths want and need the answers to two short, often unspoken
questions: "Do you love me?" and "Will you be there for me when I
need you?" These questions become even more important to children
and teens who have experienced the death of a sibling. Parents who
have had a child die may seem emotionally worn out, unable to hear
and answer these quiet questions. Growing up means asking them more
than once in more than one way.
It takes years for a family to restructure itself after a family crisis.
In time, pleasant, new memories seem to shadow the less pleasant ones
of the past. Time dulls the pain, allows us to be renewed and presents
opportunities to create loving relationships between parents and children.
We must go through our pain in order to grow. And so must our parents.
Resource: 1995 - 1997 newsletters from the Acadiana Chapter
of Compassionate Friends provided valuable insights for this article.
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