Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
"What kind of person does
this? I canāt believe he took his own life! Why didnāt I see this
coming?"
Suffering, myths and misinformation blossom after a death by
suicide. Itās an especially painful time, often endured in silence
and loneliness. Questions, guilts and worries abound, yet family
and friends may be hesitant to express them. Feelings of fear
and abandonment are complicated by the social stigma associated
with a person choosing to end his life. And so, the power of suicide
continues.
As the eighth leading cause of death in the United States (National
Center for Health Statistics, 1989), suicide is noted as the cause
of 35,000 deaths a year. And, it is thought that these reported
suicides may account for as little as one-fourth of the actual
suicides that occur. Thousands of deaths each year may be misclassified
as automobile or shooting accidents, heart attacks, accidental
drug overdoses, or unintentionally fatal combinations of drugs
and alcohol.
Suicide affects all ages, sexes, and races. It affects rich
families and poor families. Suicide happens in persons of all
faiths, regions of the country and nationalities. Males tend to
commit suicide three to four times more often than females. Even
more frightening is the fact that it is a primary cause of death
in young people ages 15-25. During the last 20 years, suicide
among young persons has tripled. Suicide in the elderly is also
on the rise in the US.
If these are the facts, why do we still believe that suicide
is relatively rare? This and many other myths still exist. Suicide
is sometimes seen as a single act while, in truth, it is part
of a process. Misinformation, like believing anyone who commits
suicide must be insane, is common. Many families face the extension
of this belief, that insanity always "runs in families." Thus,
all the family may be thought to be mentally unbalanced. The truth
is that suicide is not inherited and not all family members are
prone to committing suicide.
Survivors may repeatedly attempt to understand the thinking
of the deceased as they considered ending their life. Incredible
efforts may be made to make sense of this event, to find answers
to frustrating questions. There are no simple, clear-cut answers.
There is no one way to view this act of a person willfully taking
her or her own life. Understanding some of the dynamics of suicide
may help a survivor develop some sense of peace, a feeling of
being able to live with the unanswered questions.
If someone close to you has ended his own life, you may feel
very alone, even abandoned. The deceasedās friends and family
are sometimes shunned, avoided, ostracized or ignored after the
death, as though they were to blame for the personās acts. Someone
who has been thought of as a friend for years may suddenly not
call or come around. Having difficulty dealing with their own
emotions and thoughts about suicide, many people are unable to
be supportive of the bereaved. So, like the ripple effect, you
may be suffering the emotional and social loss of friends as well
as the death of your loved one. Learning something about suicide
and understanding your own emotions may help ease your grief.
Suicide is most often associated with unhappiness, despair and
depression. But, why a person is unhappy, why he or she decides
to die, and how this person views his or her life is affected
by multiple factors. What our culture expects, our religious beliefs,
the way our society views roles, and our past personal and family
histories become important in understanding a personās choice
of suicide. And, how families perceive the act is colored by these
same differences and beliefs.
Because of these varied and multiple features, the act of suicide
can be viewed as part of a painful process for both the person
and the survivors. It is a process where feelings of helplessness,
hopelessness, loneliness and worthlessness may be overwhelming.
Dr. John Morgan lists several characteristics of a death by
suicide. It is sudden and seldom anticipated. We may question
our inability to notice how our loved oneās suffering was leading
to suicide. What may be hard to accept is that it could have been
our very affection for this person which prevented us from seeing
the reality of the situation. Usually, we were not indifferent,
but unable to see the personās suffering because of the pain it
causes in us. Itās a natural instinct for humans to turn away
from pain.
It is often violent. Although the act itself may not
have been violent, suicide shreds our ideas about what is natural
in life. It challenges how we expect life to be. This is especially
true when a child or younger person takes his life.
It takes place in the presence of other stresses. More
often than not, other problems co-exist with the suicide attempt.
Finances, relationships, changes, personalities, perceptions of
life and death are commonly associated with suicide. To the person,
suicide is seen as an answer to a problem, not as a problem itself.
Death itself is not the major factor. Death is seen as a way of
stopping a painful, consuming state of living. They perceive it
is no longer possible or desirable to live.
It increases feelings of regret and guilt in survivors.
Possible "signs" of the anticipated suicide may seem more evident
after the death. The need to replay the past events, to ask "what
if..." and "why..." questions, to blame ourselves for past actions
which we think may have contributed to the personās feelings of
despair, and to blame ourselves for not being present when the
person died are all "normal" responses in grieving. In suicide,
these guilts could also be because the person actually reached
out to you in the time preceding the death and you were not there.
Or perhaps you believe you "should" have removed the instrument
of suicide and so might have prevented it from happening. Or you
may view suicide as a sin.
Or maybe you felt a kind of relief when the death occurred.
Feeling relieved is not uncommon. It may have been very painful
and disruptive just being in a relationship where the person repeatedly
attempts suicide. Being out of that relationship may be desirable,
even though very intense pain is not experienced because of the
death.
Survivors may experience a loss of control and a flood of
emotions. Anger at ourselves and at the person, anger at God,
and anger at the situation leading to the suicide may all surface.
Feelings of sadness, regret, shame, disgrace, isolation, abandonment,
and resignation may be overwhelming. Talking it out and writing
it on paper are helpful tools for expressing these confusing and
often intense emotions.
So, what helps us get through this painful time? Where do we
turn? What do we do? Helpful steps can be taken for ourselves
and others grieving a death by suicide.
In closing, be reminded that The Mourning After Program can be a
resource for you. We are available to talk with you, give you materials
which you may find useful and help you sort out the confusion after
suicide. Understanding the facts, defusing the power of the myths,
and sorting out the truth from misinformation are difficult tasks
to be done alone.
References
"Helping A Suicide Survivor Heal". Pamphlet
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Life Transition, Fort
Collins, CO.
"Grief After Suicide". Pamphlet by National
Selected Morticians. Published my Mental Health Association in
Waukesha County, Inc., Waukesha, WI.
Grollman, Dr. Earl A. Suicide: Prevention, Intervention,
Postvention. Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 1988.
Morgan, Dr. John D. The Dying and the Bereaved
Teenager. Philadelphia, PA: Charles Press, 1990. Pp. 125-139.
Sorum, Dr. William and Dr. William Swanson.
"Suicide: The Major Cause of Death for Persons 15-25". Pamphlet
by Mental Health Association in Louisiana.
Staudacher, C. Beyond Grief. Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger, 1987. Pp. 173-193.
"Suicide". Borgatta, Edgar F. and Marie L. Borgatta,
editors. Encyclopedia of Sociology, Vol. 4. Pp. 2111-2119.
