Pat Andrus, MS
A Comforting Voice
"I think I'll just quit,"
explains the bereaved woman sitting hunched down in the chair.
Between tears she continues, "I canāt seem to pay attention at
work. Iām making so many mistakes theyāll probably fire me soon
anyway. And, besides, I just donāt care that much any more! Nothing
matters since he died."
Returning to work after a death in the family may be the best
and the worst of situations for the bereaved. Keeping busy helps
the hours pass and provides a different focus for some of us.
For many persons, being able to go to work gives us a place where
things seem stable, safe even... where little has changed, for
better or for worse. Being with coworkers who are supportive and
helpful provides solace and comfort, even in the most hectic office.
For others, feeling depressed, useless and hopeless may create
a negative state of mind resulting in the inability to work. In
grief, we struggle to maintain composure and to look professional
on the outside while feeling fragmented inside. Feeling we have
lost the battle and why not just give up, we may decide to quit
our job. We think we just cannot handle any more pressure. This
decision gives us a temporary sense of being in control of our
lives, even though we may unconsciously list it as another of
our failures in life. We may view quitting as a pain reliever.
And, since we are seeking everywhere for something to ease our
pain, we may be surprised when we are later sorry that we gave
up that particular job.
Being patient with customers is difficult for a bereaved person
and thus is difficult for the employer who may have to correct
impressions given by his personnel. Other complaints of employers
include employees making more errors, wasting time, inefficient
and reduced performances, arriving late, being absent more often,
physical complaints and illnesses, forgetfulness, confusion and
disorientation, daydreaming, becoming emotional, increased alcohol
and drug use, and a lessened desire to please others. Frustration
with the bereaved employee mounts and the tension increases throughout
the office as the bereaved moves through the grieving process.
Many employers and coworkers, having never experienced it, cannot
fully understand the time table and depth of emotion involved
in grief. An overall feeling that the world has moved on without
us or that we cannot seem to catch up is often expressed by the
bereaved. To people who have never experienced this level of pain
and confusion, it is easy to think and to say, "Get on with it;
get back in the swing of things." At times, other employees may
think the bereaved is being catered to, given special treatment
or may be shirking duties. Attitudes and office atmosphere may
be non-supportive and negative in tone.
The 1990 AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) study
on bereavement in the workplace indicated that a lack of information
about what is normal in grief may result in employers and coworkers
thinking the bereaved personās behavior is inappropriate or that
this employee may be unstable. The method of dealing with bereavement
leave and issues varied by the size of the company and the type
of position the employee holds. Many companies allow only three
days paid funeral leave following the death of someone with whom
they were legally tied, like a child, spouse, or parent. The study
showed without a doubt that "a policy to understand and care can
save not only a trained and valued employee, but also an employer."
(AARP, 1991)
The AARP pamphlet "When An Employee Loses a Loved One, It Pays
To Take Time To Care" offers steps employers can take to better
assist bereaved employees.
